UNEXPLAINED CONTRADICTION...

Today I AM disturbed and feeling sad for a 3 year old kid, a pregnant wife of 30 years and for the and for the person whose lying today on death bed and I was felling helpless,there loss Is unmeasurable and unimaginative . I am not sure how to put this in words but the loss here about which I am talking about is not only the loss of life but a loss of humanity, a loss of life and moreover a loss of a warrior.

Months back,when I saw Aman lying in the bed helpless I was in tears and was trying to comprehend what a person like Aman would be going through right now who has given everything for his beloved people but now that same person I lying there In front of me helplessly seeking for death to come . Few day back when I got a news from his wife that his heart ceased and he finally died completely. I didn't know what to say to her . It was for the first time in my life that I was dumbstruck and was fumbling for words today I lost a friend a brother and a person whom I had admired the most in my life.

Aman was a dear friend of mine since the school time . I would rather say he was a person a perfect balance of a friend and family . I Being orphaned at a very early age never came to know about the comfort and meaning of family , till the time I met Aman in my formative years of school. I began visiting his house and came to know how a person called mother (ma) feels, how mother cares for the child, till than I never felt I was deprived by the nature from any comfort of life but suddenly this new definition of family and mother flabbergasted me and annihilated my kingdom comfort.. Aman knew the loss of a parent , he lost his father in the militant attack Lal Chowk firing in 1993 ,when he was in his Shikara a wild bullet struck in his head and he was dead on the spot. Aman was of 8 years then when the misfortune befallen on him and hi mother , his mother used to work on the shikara aftermath and used to earn a meager income . The rate of deterioration of the social condition of valley and economic condition of Aman's home was same . It felt like valley had deep relation with Aman . Being a person who has seen difficulties of life he was close to the realities . He was focused in studies, because for him studies were the only way by doing which he could get a good job and could help his mother.

MOVING AHEAD IN THE TIME FRAME:-

It was my 20^th birthday Aman came to me he was not looking well and his face was ashen-ed , pale and looked the Same when he got the new of his father's death. I half-jokingly asked him “who died?why are you looking pale and sick?”. He saw me right in my eyes and told nobody died but is dying as we are talking. I asked him to explain me what he was talking about. Yar amijaaan …...... he started crying ,asked what happened to Amijaan? He was crying for quite a time unable to speak I grabbed his shoulders and shook him hard asked him what damn happened to Amijaan?

He was again mute just the muffled cries were coming from his throat .i could no longer restrain myslef to know what happened to Ammijan so I ran towards his house towards_cheeni chowk . From quite a distance I saw black smoke rising in the sky,people hurling and running for buckets of water , I couldn't believe what I was seeing I wanted to get faint,to die, to wake up from a bad dream all at a same time. But I want prepared to see the next thing I turned towards hi house and it was visible now form the Khan Bazar Road. The houses in the Aman's colony were burning in the high flames and people were trying to douse the fire . I ran at my fast pace , I was running nreathlesssly towards his house. Uddenly I felt jolted and I got tripped over something , I tried to stand up again but my hand slipped watching in the direction of Aman's house I never noticed why I tripped what was the thing on which I tripped . People came to my rescue they wiped of dust from my white kurta but the thing they could'nt wipe and will not be able to wipe from my mind was the human blood on my white kurta I fainted the second I saw the thing on which I tripped.

It was hell of a lot paining my ankle got dislocated with the injury .I had hazy memory about what happened in the morning. It tried to remember hard and make connections about the happenings. Suddenly I felt a comforting touch , somebody gabbed my hand with the soft hands , it was a relief to know somebody Is there beside my hospital bed to help me. I turned my head slowly my neck hurted a bit . But it was manageable , when I saw a familiar face of my friend Aman . He had a stint of joy , smile on his face and his eyes were teary . None of us poke for a moment , we wanted to remain silent forever , I didn't wanted to know what happened earlier this morning . He stood up and was going to leave , he strode across the room and was about to exit , but came back and hugged me and started crying . I didn't asked him neither he told me anything about the happenings of the day . He just stood there taking me in his arms and continued to cry for a long time. After an hour or so the silence in the gloomy room was broken by the nurse, she came in for a routine check up and told me that earlier this morning I was brought here in unconscious condition , which was because of the anxiety attack which I suffered because I saw blood oozing out from a dead body of a bomb blast victim. she spoke like nothing has happened I felt like I am again given a new scar on my soul . My people again have suffered because of some misguided jihad-is . I felt a pain in my heart , I could feel my opthalmic artery pounding in my head gushing with the blood of vengeance I wanted to get out of the bed and wanted to kill those bastards who killed my people my friends father and now hi mother was dying with 96% burns ….. But all the pounding stopped every thing felt silent only the sound I could hear was of the cold January end wind blowing out on the fresh snow . Only one fear was now in my head what Aman ha to tell me I regarding amijann?.......the news should be good or else I will be devastated again …...but now that will be forever..my senses of affection will be doused off if any unfortunate thing happened to her... Aman turned to me and looked with with the small strained eyes of his and his silence told me all but still I couldn't believe that the lady, the person who made me well versed with the relationship of mother and defined a term family for me I no more and was dead because of Militant bombing in cheeni chowk..

I was heart broken we two were sitting in the room and staring at each other with teary eyes now I became orphaned once more now the pain searing in my chest rose to throat and became a lump I couldn't speak anything I couldn't console my brother I cant hug him I froze in the chilly evening and laid there still staring towards Aman.

We didn't talked for a two or three days we didn't knew what to say to each other for a long time the loss of mother was same for both of us we couldn't console each other . The fire vengeance was avenging in me but Aman looked calmer and contented with the condition of the valley . Soon he became self-involved and He moved on with his life he left the studies and started working at the lake in place of his mother in the shikara.. I tried to convince him to study but all went down the drain he was too broken to hear all anything. With the passage of time things started to heal up but the memoirs were still were fresh the bombings, bullets, militants lal chowk ke kisse keep on happening don't know when it will end.

Opportunities for educated people were shrinking with every passing day, so I decided to move away from Kashmir after completing my graduation to Delhi as I was getting a respectable job there in travel industry. I advised Aman to leave with me to Delhi where he could have found a work but he imply denied he wanted to live and take his last breath where his parent took their's . he refused to come out of the rotting heaven on earth. With a very heavy heart I took depart from the valley on august 23 19__

and came to delhi …......

Time passed 4 years later I came back to valley to my orphanage's get together . It filled me with happiness that I was getting a chance an excuse to visit my land where I grew up. And moreover I was going to meet my friend Aman again. I reached Kashmir,srinagar on 27 October 19__.

I passed from lal chowk , entire chowk is was defaced now the building are torn down near the center of activity in Kashmir. Army men were on each every corner of the road and nowhere it look like my own beloved Kashmir which it used to look few years back........

I traveled across the city to reach the road and when I reached there I saw a kwateen in front of Aman's house who was having a broom in her hand and was cleaning the house. On asking her I came to know that lady in front of the house was the wife of Aman , I told her about me , in an instant she told me about me and Aman's adventures our stories of childhood and she told me that Aman used to talk about our friendship and the time time we spent together . Upon asking about the well being of Aman her joy faded away he was no longer smiling and talking . Her eyes went numb . I asked again about Aman. She then asked me to come with her he guided me to a room ...it was a same room where her mother dead body was found 5 year back ….he was lying on a bed and looked all weak and wrecked ...his face lighted up upon seeing me... he kept on lying on the bed and made no move to move and hug me ...i tried to say salam wale kum and waited for his reply ...no reply came from other side … I was baffled that what has happened to my friend . I looked back at hi wife she standing on the doorway with her numb eyes//

Aman tried to rise from bed but couldn't he tried to speak but it was just a hum of some sound from his vocal cords I could hear....in this while Aman's wife brought me a chair I sat near Aman and she sat on he bed near Aman's feet , she started to tell that 3 year back when they got married , a short while after Aman started having back pains and started felling numbness in the toes … on the first diagnosis doctors thought it was because of the strenuous nature of work of his he I getting this problem....they advised to rest for few days … which he did and felt somewhat better but soon after that in a week or so he was unable to stand his feet went cold and he diagnosed by paralysis...he was completely broken aafter that..according to doctors it happened because of the condition named Lumbar spinal steno sis which Is a rare disorder in which the spinal cord vertebrates tarts narrowing down and the patient looe the locomotion ability and then slowly a spinal column narrow the nerves are pressed and the body ceases to function …....and the patient and hi family has to wait till the time the heart functioning ceases..

a lump formed in my throat I wanted to vent out all my anger vengeance and agitation on the people because of whom Aman suffered and wasn't able to all those things which a man of his age would have had done …. but I had to control my feeling because I have a friend to console..... I moved to outside in the veranda to let the moment pass of me . What I should think in the situation like this I was unable to comprehend what was happening from last 1 hour to me it too much to ingest . I turned my back to the room and got off the veranda stairs and stopped a rickshaw and told him to go towards lal chowk . I turned my back from a friend once again I didn't had enough courage to see in his eye and say everything will be alright in a short while …

after I received the call of Aman's wife informing me of demise of Aman I thought was It right on my part to get off the curb after all those years of sharing and caring ….